Already Written

I thought I was coming to the desert to finish writing a book but it turns out I came to start a new story, to begin a chapter of life I have been anticipating for a very long time. When I moved here in October, my original plan was to be done with the book and leave by June. But fate had already written out a better version of the story I couldn't yet see and kept me here one month longer than I intended. Long enough to experience a full manifestation of things I had spent years asking for, though not necessarily in the way I had imagined receiving them. What I'm realizing through the

experience is that the universe doesn't always give us what we think we wanted when it doesn't match the highest version of ourselves. If we open our mind to the idea that something greater is waiting when we let go of expectation, the universe is free to give us exactly what we need. Sometimes the life we are trying so hard to create is only the story we think we want to tell.

And sometimes, when we finally loosen our grip on the pen, we discover that something better has been writing all along.

---

She pulled up to the restaurant, put the car in park and quickly turned it off before she had time to change her mind.

“Stop overthinking this and just go have fun.”

Overthinking was a common practice for most of her 40-something years, curtailed recently by lots of meditation and self-reflective work. Now, she was using the detachment skills learned though these practices to set her mind adrift, taking in her surroundings rather than focusing on the potential of what was waiting inside. The hot summer air hit her in the face as she opened the car door and stepped out onto the dirt parking lot. She found it hard to breathe but wasn’t sure if it was the sweltering desert heat or the desire to suppress the inner knowing in her heart that something was ready to shift. She noticed the rock façade of the building she was about to enter as if it was the first time she’d seen it, even though this was a regular hangout in the small town where she resided. The stones gave the restaurant/bar the appearance of a cliff dwelling built into the side of the ledge that led down to the creek, and as she walked down the narrow steps leading into the corridor to the front door she put more emphasis on noticing each rock’s placement and the cave-like entrance of the aptly named business, La Kiva. Adjusting her eyes from the bright sunshine outside to the dark interior took a moment as she scanned the room. Her friends had chosen a table across the bar, and just enough out of sight, that it took her a moment to find them. The other friend they brought along had his back to her, obscuring a complete view. As she started to walk toward them a slow-motion scene began to unfold from a bad Hallmark “Christmas in July” movie special. The space between them was just a few yards but it felt like each step only took her an inch forward, prolonging the anticipation of what was to come.

She tried to not let her nervousness show as she approached the table, but the slight shaking of her hands called her out like the bad liar she was. Her friends looked up from their conversation and waved her over. And that’s when he turned around.

She had caught a glimpse of him the day before while standing outside the local hotel, catching up on all the community gossip. The front porch of the hotel was well known for getting to know all of the townie’s business, even before they did. His truck drove through the parking lot and over to one of the cabins he and his crew were working in that week. She skillfully threw a side glance in his direction as to not catch the attention of the other gossipers, knowing she would be the next topic of discussion if they found out her interest in this newcomer. The dark tint on the windows of the Chevy didn’t offer much of a view other than a silhouetted profile, and a very distinct beard.

Bummer, she thought. Facial hair was not a preference. As if to emphasize her disappointment in what little she knew of his physical appearance, the sound effect from an 80’s game show playfully sung in her head. The tones that let everyone know the loser had just lost. “Womp, womp, womp.”

But now, there was no tinted window to obscure her view. The only thing between them was about a foot of air. Or was there air? She didn’t know because in that moment she had stopped breathing, and this time it had nothing to do with the July heat.  His intense hazel eyes looked up and locked on her as a smile spread across his face. She hadn’t expected to feel so instantly drawn to someone she had been trying to talk herself out of meeting just an hour earlier. His exterior appearance was much like the exterior façade of the building. Rugged and beautiful. Years of hard work were chiseled in his skin, along with the many intricate tattoos covering his lean, muscular arms. The beard somehow worked well with the rest of his features. It had recently been trimmed and was well maintained, allowing her to see the kindness in his broad grin. Her opinion had always been that a man with a beard had something to hide behind all of that hair, but her perspective shifted as she noted something she didn’t think she wanted yesterday was now sexy as hell.

As the physical assessment ran its course, her mind did what it had always done when something mattered too much: it raced ahead. Before she had even said hello, her thoughts were already calculating the potential consequences of letting someone get close. The familiar warning bells of past heartbreak began ringing furiously. Through years of healing, meditation, and self-reflection, she had learned to love herself into a place of respect and self-awareness, and she was terrified that this meeting might jeopardize all of it. She understood that the parts of her still carrying old wounds were only trying to protect her from another disappointment but as he continued to look at her, something unexpected happened. The intensity of his gaze silenced the unnecessary, premature signals, shocking her heart back to life and her mind to the present moment. The warnings faded beneath an inexplicable spark of recognition as if some deeper part of her already knew him. For the first time in a long time, her heart seemed to whisper something her fear couldn't argue with: Pay attention.

Romantic fantasy had always come naturally to her. Her dominant personality traits were ruled by the dreamy water sign of Pisces, and she was practically fluent in the language of possibility. She had imagined this moment in a hundred different ways throughout her life; the beautifully attractive man arriving on his white horse, or, in this case, a white Chevy Silverado, ready to whisk her away from life's hardships while somehow managing to fulfill both her emotional and physical desires. A few men had attempted to play the role, but none had ever quite fit. Something was always missing. The connection never went deep enough.

And now, standing less than a foot away from this man, she couldn't shake the feeling that perhaps this was different. The fear rising inside her wasn't necessarily the fear of repeating the past. What if it was the fear of something far more terrifying - the realization that everything she had been asking for might have finally arrived? There was no time to process the possibility, no way to logically explain what was happening. So instead, she simply released a deep exhale she hadn't realized she'd been holding for years.

The air returned to her lungs and the buzzing conversations returned to the room. They weren’t, in fact, completely alone. And they hadn’t transported to an alternate universe where nothing else mattered. Or had they?

As she took the seat next to him the feeling of defeat sank her deeper into the chair. She knew that something bigger was at play in this moment and she was ready to succumb to her fate. It wasn’t obvious yet, but this one tiny moment in time would exponentially grow upon itself to reveal a master plan that no one could have anticipated. She sighed to herself and gave in to the call. “Well, crap… Here we go.”