Picture it: Small town, Texas, 1992. Girl meets boy. Boy is extremely attractive, popular, gives her his attention and makes her feel special. She’s never felt this way from another and latches on to the excitement and energy brought on by this budding relationship. When he’s around she feels alive and invincible. When he isn’t, she feels anxious and thinks of ways to keep him interested and coming back for more. She believes that if she can be the perfect girlfriend then he will never have a reason to leave. A few short months into the relationship he tells her he's falling in love with her. She creates another belief that this desire to be with him all of the time translates to love. That this overwhelming need to please is because she loves him. And it must be true because he says he loves her, too. So she stays, even when he lies to her. She tries even harder when she finds out he’s cheated on her. And she loses all sense of who she is because she believes that her love for this boy will conquer all.
This was me, as a teenager, and I continued to force this unhealthy bond for two long years for the sake of “love.” Over and over again he would build me up just to break me down even further, and by the time it was finally over I was so exhausted from the emotional trauma that I went straight into another degrading relationship in order to forget the first. I could say that the naivety of this young girl was what kept me trapped in this cycle of abuse, but in all reality, I continued to maintain this attitude of “give your all regardless of how much you’re getting back” in most of my romantic connections until very recently. I handed over my power and lost touch with my own needs time and time again because I never understood what love truly is.
So, then, what is love? It's a deep feeling that can be hard to describe. What most of us experience when we think we’re in love (at least initially) is lack of self love turned codependency on another’s affection to feel self worth. But no relationship should be defined by lack. If we are in a state of poverty consciousness and do not rely on the internal resources we have to exude love then we begin to depend on others for what we feel is missing. And there is no external source of validation that will ever live up to the love that we can give ourselves.
A healthy relationship begins within. Love yourself and there will be no longing for a “missing piece” because there’s nothing missing. There will, instead, be appreciation and gratitude when you’ve mastered the art of unconditionally showing up for you and begin surrounding yourself with those who want to add to the beauty that‘s already there.
