Fixer Upper

I’m a fixer, always have been. I’ve always felt like I had the gift to observe and “objectively” come up with solutions to other people’s problems because as an outsider it’s easier to see the issue from a non biased perspective. But 9 times out of 10 the situation would blow up in my face. Many times because the advice was unsolicited. But also because people just need to vent and feel heard sometimes without feeling undermined by a know-it-all.

Even though my idea of being helpful rarely worked out the way I would envision, I couldn't help but to get back on that hamster wheel time and time again. Until finally one day something, or someone rather, snapped. I’d taken it upon myself to be the middleman for two disagreeing family members. I convinced one of them to meet with the other, who, to any outsider, could see she wasn’t ready to talk. When I told the second party what I’d come up with she barked at me,” Why would you do that?!”

“Because I’m trying to help.” was my hurt reply.

“But nobody asked you to help.”

And there it was. The slap in the face I needed to shake me out of this perpetual cycle of do-gooder. Hearing the sheer disappointment in her voice brought me to the immediate realization that I was doing more harm than good and actually creating a wedge between myself and someone I loved. I vowed then and there to stay out of other people’s business unless they explicitly asked my opinion.

Of course, it wasn’t an immediate retraction of offering unsolicited advice but I began to learn how to send love from a distance, instead, and redirect all of that helpful energy into my own problems. I became relentless at finding a solution by obsessing over possible outcomes, weighing all options and typically forcing an outcome that wasn’t ready to come to fruition. Still not an ideal solution, repeating the same processes as before, but at least I was only battling myself and wasn’t making anyone else mad.

It wasn’t until just a few days ago while listening to one of my favorite podcasts, that I realized, finally, how I’ve been adding to the problem instead of creating true solutions. The speaker said “When you try to fix a problem, you calibrate to the problem.” I realized then, I was so focused on what was wrong that my energy began to match what I was fighting against. This one simple statement helped me shift my mindset to allow for the possibility that I, in fact, do not know it all. Humbling.

If my focus was solely on what was going wrong then I would continue to attract more things going wrong. But if I could calibrate to the most benevolent outcome for all involved, and remove myself from attachment to that outcome, then things would play out as they needed to in order for all to find their eventual happy ending. What needed to be understood was that immediate happy endings don’t always serve us, even in this world of instant gratification where that’s what we typically expect. Sometimes the happiest of endings come when we’ve struggled through tough times so that we can better appreciate the journey, and the outcome, that wasn’t forced.